The definition of 'enough' in parental relationships

One thing the adoption process really allows you to do is plan your 'parental style'. Both because the process is pretty darned long and your mind wanders, but also because every now and again they do actually recommend some good reading. I've learnt about Therapeutic Parenting and attachment issues amongst many other things. 

You're also encouraged to compare your own experience of being parented with your expectations. This is less straightforward, as there are unsurprisingly many mixed feelings this throws up. There is much I can say about my childhood. My basic needs were met and it was clear my parents loved me. However like most 80s children I was pushed to succeed from an early age. 

What this created was a cycle of always trying hard no matter the endeavour, with any positives of success being overshadowed by a crippling fear of failure - of not doing (and therefore by childish association being) enough. It's a loop that has followed me into adulthood. Whenever I am frustrated with something, I don't take a break and cool down. Instead I pick up a hammer and do some DIY. I try internally to overshadow the bad by succeeding at something which is a net good.

The challenge I have as I become more aware of this cycle in myself is the realisation that my parents continue to fuel it into my adulthood, despite my asking them to stop on several occasions. Thankfully they've stopped saying 'we don't see you enough' when we part, but this was their preferred method for several years of neither acknowledging the effort I'd made in attending nor communicating that they missed me. 

This year I went to their house alone for Boxing Day as my wife was overseas. My mum's first response to this news was 'oh you should stay over'. To which I politely said 'no thanks, I'm sure Boxing Day will be enough'. When they learnt my wife would be aware several days, unphased by the initial refusal my mum texts 'you should stay several days'. Note the should. I replied 'I'm visiting on Boxing Day, I trust that will be enough'. No reply to this. 

Boxing Day rolls around. I load up the 40 pictures of the girls we are to adopt on my phone, keen to share with family but not break any rules by giving them a copy. I've explained this ahead of time to them. And looking through 40 pictures is enough right? After all, it's better than the zero they've seen so far. 

Oh Mr Dadoption you are so wrong. 

As I'm going to leave at the end of the day, my mum grabs me and hugs me tightly. Looking up at me she asks earnestly 'can I please have a picture of the girls?'. To which I am forced to say 'no, as you know I can't share with anyone else'. I can't share copies of pictures of children that aren't mine with other people. A very simple premise she had been made fully aware of. But it didn't fit with her narrative. It wasn't enough. 

Not feeling enough is horrible. As I near 40, I have definitely been an adult now for longer than I was a child. I resent that I feel this way. I hope it not only allows me to empathise with children who are dealing with issues of loss, but also that I don't continue this pattern of behaviour with my parenting. That I sit down and listen to them, acknowledge their feelings and the effort they've made, enjoy the time I have with them rather than ponder the next time or what I've not got access to. I intend to show them that they are enough. Because by doing so, I hope to empower them to be bolder, happier and more secure.