What not to say to a guy who's just learnt he is to be a Dad

 There were many people to tell concerning yesterday's news, so Mrs Dadoption and I did the sensible thing and downed two glasses of bubbly each before getting on the mobile phones and sending variations of the following - 

"Hey there! We're so excited to share we've been matched with two girls! We're going to be parents in the new year!!" 

What followed was a stream of excitement. People were genuinely lovely and asked some amazing questions. But one does not remember those. Not two glasses down and with an anxiety hangover from the anticlimax of a 25-minute meeting where most people said nice things about you. 

As such here are my favourite things that people really said to me in the 24 hours post getting the news. Genuinely. 

1. The hard work starts now 

Seriously. Said to us within a few minutes of the call. As if the whole adoption process had been a walk in the park. As if we'd not worked hard in other areas of our lives previously. 

Frankly it's one of those truisms you hear all the time, and I simply don't believe it. Because unlike for other difficult endeavours, for this one I expect a payoff. It's not a soulless corporate job which asks for a lot but doesn't care for your point of view. It's not a mortgage application or adoption process - both seemingly never-ending bureaucratic undertakings where you feel unable to ever really supply enough paperwork or answer enough questions. This will be a new relationship, and I for one cannot wait for it. 

2. Enjoy the time you have left 

This one stings, and we've been getting it for a while even before Panel day. Honestly what do people think we were doing, going to Disneyland Paris three times in one year, or heading off to the Middle East in summer? Since meeting Mrs Dadoption, we've been making the most of it rather continuously. The problem is four years ago we decided we wanted kids. In 2020 we bought a house big enough for them, and since then we've been engaged in a rather long list of DIY projects to get it ready for them. 

Our lives lack children, and we're tired of making the most of time without them. It smacks of a faux martyrdom I hope not to engage in as a parent. Sure kids will be hard. But I'll still have a nice time with them, and time without them has been far too long. 

3. So what else has been happening ? 

A fair question if I was ringing with less important news, but didn't you want to know more about this thing?  

4. I'm missing my fitness class to have this conversation

Oh wow. Jeez. Well don't let me stop you

5. Ah that's good, because I was complaining to your uncle that he has more grandchildren than me

This one hurt me the most. So having grandchildren is a competition? In which case count me out. Not sure what there was to be gained there. And really. Relying on the son who's infertile to somehow contribute just seems cold. Neither funny nor clever. Just a sickening gut punch. 

6. Daughters ! Get ready not to use the bathroom ever

Ending on a fun bout of sexism given the intensity of the last example. If I remember rightly, when I was a teen I used to spend hours in the bathroom. Not for any dodgy reasons, just because I like tipping talcum powder in the sink and then running water over it to pretend I was studying tidal erosion. Kids are weird, and I'm not sure that's anything to do with their gender.

I'd love your comments as to whether I was too thin skinned in these examples. I have severe anxiety, which does affect my interpretation of some things people say. This is why I try really hard to analyse the rationality of any given statement. I think that even if the above were not that bad, they're certainly not particularly positive. People seemed instead eager to offer a condescending joke than interest or encouragement. Here's what I would have rather heard from them - 

• You’re going to be great parents 
• You deserve it 
• How do you feel?

Matching panel is a massive day in the life of adopters. My advice is simply to be nice.