Eve of the War

 To be read while listening to the song of the same name from the War of the Worlds soundtrack if desired, for atmosphere.

It’s 2.30am and I’m awake. I’m sweaty, aching and the natty badger pyjamas I got last year from M&S are twisted around my legs. Buffering signs and frozen webcam images fly past my head. I’m trying to get back to sleep but failing.

In only 7 hours or so I’d be attending Panel. Finally, a year after applying and just under two years since my infertility diagnosis, someone is going to tell me whether I can be a father. And the suspense is not good for me.

This is the third night of disturbed sleep, and during yesterday I began to feel nauseous and overwhelmed. This was not helped by a broken boiler at church which made me feel quite cold.

What will the Panel say? The advice from every professional that we talked to, and several friends who had previously adopted, was that it was a box ticking exercise. Any issues which would have caused concern would have been identified way beforehand, they said. This did not help.

I feel the knot tighten in my stomach. I realise the pyjamas trousers I’m wearing have badger prints. But the top has a foxhead! How would I be trusted with children if I couldn’t even pair my own pyjamas properly? I spiral.

Breathe. Worse people than you have been given kids. Worse people than you have them naturally all the time. You’re a good chap. With a side parting. And too many bottles of Fairy liquid. Honestly – why do we buy a new one each week? Write yourself a to do note to remove it from the trolley next time.

Breathe. You are a leaf on the wind. You are a slight tubby leaf on the wind. With tight pyjama trousers. And an upcoming Zoom call. It’ll be fine. Honest. What could go wrong?

Gosh.

I’m thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

Great.

At this point a normal person would get up. Get a drink of water. Not me. I’m just going to stare at the ceiling for an hour and imagine about how that tiny crack in the plastering is going to cause the whole roof to cave in and bury me.

Yeah. That’s calming. That should do it.